I despise negativity. I really do. I try not to watch movies with a negative storyline or listen to music filled with negative lyrics. I hide chronically negative people from my facebook feed. I just don’t have patience for negative people. On the contrary I love positive and beautiful things. Such as feel-good movies or songs that inspire and make me happy. Have you heard “Shut up and Dance”? Best song ever for putting me in a good mood. I have a reminder plaque in my bedroom that says, “Begin each day with a grateful heart.” I cognitively try to fill my life with beauty and goodness.

Anyone who knows me knows I live life loud. I love people, I’m a social media addict and an over sharer. Some people can’t handle me. Some people, like my sister, can only handle me in doses. I use to feel guilty about this. I would ask myself upon leaving social gatherings, “Oh my gosh, why can’t you learn to be more quiet?” “Why do you get so excited? You need to chill.” I learned a few years back that according to a personality test I took through Gallup Industries called The Strength Finder’s test, that Positivity is one of my top 5 personality strengths. When it comes to family, friends, acquaintances, and social media I strive to be a positive force. I love sharing photos of my successful dinners. I’m not trying to say, “Na na na na na, you can’t cook like me,” but to say, “Look at this yummy dish I made and you can make it too!” I love to share where I went to dinner, not to say, “Look how often me and my husband go out to eat,” but to share this exciting place we tried and you should try it too. With my family and friends I am always wanting to help organize gatherings and find ways to be with them and show them how much I love them. However, recently it came to my attention that as positive as I seem to be, I am not very consistent within the walls of my home.

A few weeks ago I was sincerely overwhelmed by my daughter and son’s theatre schedule. If you do not know, I have 3 kids; a 14 year old thespian, a 13 year old year-round swimmer and an 11 year old little leaguer who played the cutest cowboy in a community production of Oklahoma. I had simultaneously signed up my eldest and youngest for 2 different plays and their schedule was running my husband and I ragged. My husband came home on a Thursday night from work to find that I had ordered a pizza. We don’t usually order pizza on a Thursday, we always save that for Friday or Saturday during Family Movie night. I had to squeeze in an extra piano lesson since my daughter would be missing 2 out of 4 lessons in the month of March and it landed on the night of our son’s performance. My husband unassumingly said, “Oh, you got pizza. Is that Pizza Hut? How is it?” “I replied snootily, “It’s good. At least we think it is. You won’t like it. It has too much crust.” The next thing I know we are in a bit of a tiff and my husband’s final words were, “I deal with negativity all day long, I can’t come home to it.” I quickly apologized and explained that I was feeling overwhelmed with all I had to do. We hugged it out and moved on. I realized in that moment that at home I am not always the bubbly, positive person that I am to friends and social media. At home I am the whip cracker to my children. I am constantly berating them if they’re rooms aren’t clean, if they left a mess in the kitchen after breakfast or if they’re not ready on time. To my husband I tend to vent all of the bad in my day without considering he’s maybe heard enough “bad” for one day.

After that short, but very profound argument I realized that here in my own home I could vent all my woes and then turn around and crack a smile to the world. Maybe it’s because I feel safe or because I know my husband is one of the most patient people I know. I began to consider that the same positive energy I put into friends, social media and many times complete strangers needs to be invested in my family. There’s nothing wrong with venting about a tough day or making sure my kids follow through with chores and respect our home. Yet I can find ways to be more positive with them. If I were a facebook feed I would have turned myself off a long time ago.

So my question to myself and to you, my reader is, am I a positive force in my home? How can I ensure that the sweet tone I use outside of my home is used inside my home?

For starters I can start by eliminating guilt. That argument over pizza really started because I was feeling guilty for having pizza on a night I would normally cook. I thought Jon was judging me and my decisions. He of course was not and would totally understand that I can’t prepare dinner if I haven’t been home ALL DAY LONG. Another way I can be better at exuding kindness and positivity, is grace. I can give my kids grace if they left the milk on the counter because our morning had been rushed or that they’re rooms are cluttered because we’ve been getting home at 9 pm. I can give myself grace when life isn’t going as planned and know that daily I always try to do what is best for my family and myself. The chores will get done and life will go on. As for my social media habits I will try and be better at portraying my intentions when I post my yummy dinner creations or exciting restaurant finds. Until then, I pray my family and friends always know my heart and no one turns me off their facebook feed.