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What’s next?

21 Tuesday May 2024

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I stumbled upon a journal entry from 2016, where, for some reason, I had penned a letter to my future self to be opened a decade later. At the time, I was 38 years old, and as I read through it today, I couldn’t help but laugh at the sheer absurdity of writing to my 48-year-old self.

Recalling the juncture my life was at, I remember that moment in time, stepping into a bi-vocational career, feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of leaving behind the stay-at-home mom life I had cherished for 14 years. 

feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of leaving behind the stay-at-home mom life

Transitioning to a 9-5 desk job at a local university while also taking on the role of a part-time worship leader was daunting, to say the least. I had zero admin experience but enough customer experience to get me the job. I held onto a quote by Christine Caine: “God doesn’t call the prepared; he prepares the called.”

As I read the page intended for my 48-year-old self, I felt a surge of pride knowing that my eldest would soon graduate from college, with her two siblings following closely behind. My 38-year-old self had expressed hopes of seeing her kids in college, perhaps even married by then. I chuckled as I read that line to my husband, relieved that we still have two years until that “expiration date,” leaving the jury out on that status.

I had wished for myself to visit Italy and explore parts of Europe, a dream I’d harbored since high school. Despite numerous attempts, it seemed elusive until last spring, when Jon and I embarked on a 28-day adventure through London, Paris, and Italy. Dining on French cuisine under a Parisian moon or cruising through Tuscany’s picturesque hills—experiences beyond surreal.

In 2016, when I embraced the bi-vocational lifestyle, I had no clue how to sustain it. Some days were challenging, others incredibly rewarding. Working in higher education introduced me to remarkable students who inspired me to be my best self while leading worship in our home church allowed me to collaborate with immensely talented individuals. There were days when both roles seamlessly intertwined, and others when the weight felt unbearable, juggling deadlines and responsibilities.

A month ago, the chapter of worship leading abruptly closed. The news hit me like a sudden amputation—no discussion, just an abrupt end to 16 years of serving our church community. 

no discussion, just an abrupt end to 16 years of serving our church community

Despite the shock, I cherished the memories: working alongside my husband, watching my son excel as a drummer, and witnessing my daughter’s musical prowess and leadership. The abruptness left no room for goodbyes, only a hollow explanation.

Reflecting on this letter, crafted eight years ago, reminds me of life’s unpredictability. Since then, my father passed away, my mom remarried, close friends faced divorce, and my father-in-law continues his battle with cancer. My children, once youngsters, are now young adults, preparing to leave the nest. Yet, amid uncertainty, I’m grateful for the foresight to write that letter. Embracing the challenges of the bi-vocational life that paved the way for unforeseen opportunities.

Embracing the challenges of the bi-vocational life paved the way for unforeseen opportunities.

I’ve learned that nothing is wasted in the Kingdom of Heaven. Even toxic leadership experiences can be redeemed, shaping me into a better leader. While I can’t predict the future, writing a letter of well wishes to oneself serves as a poignant reminder of life’s essence. As Paul wrote in Romans; our sufferings produce endurance, character, and hope. I eagerly anticipate what lies ahead, knowing that every season, sweet or bitter, holds a purpose.

I might have an inkling of what’s next and anticipate God to do what God does; create an ending better than I could have ever imagined.

When have you had a moment to reflect on where you have come from and where you are going?

A Legacy

22 Monday Feb 2016

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Today I attended a dear friend father’s funeral, Pastor Charles Zwicker.  His death came just  7 months after my own father’s passing. During the drive another friend texted me asking for advice as she is soon facing her father’s impending death. I looked out the window as I said to myself and my husband who was driving, “This is how it goes I guess. We’re all getting older.”

We arrived at the funeral 20 minutes later and I began to brace myself for what lay ahead. I’ve never been to a truly sorrowful funeral. All the family members or friends I have lost have been believers in Jesus Christ and though we are sad we have a hope that doesn’t allow the grief to sit heavy on our souls. Today’s memorial was very much the same way. The family was smiling and hugging through their tears. They were so touched by the effort of those who came near and far. The tiny little church was packed to the gills of friends, family and members of the community that had come to pay their respects.

I was able to listen to the stories of faith and gratitude of a man who served in ministry for over 25 years. He and his wife raised 4 beautiful children who love Jesus. His impact on the community was such that the city of 29 Palms sent an ambassador to honor him as an exemplary citizen who had given back in a magnificent way. He organized food drives, clothes drives, helped the poor and widowed through his ministry and reached out to the transient military community.  As I was listening to all of these accolades being given, I began to think about the word, LEGACY.

My father’s legacy was shown to us by the many people who shared with us stories of  feeling loved and cherished. During his own ministry he gave the people of his community hope and peace. This man as well, who had little wealth to speak of, had riches that none of us could monetarily count. No one ever mentions how many houses one has acquired in life. It’s always about people, connections and how we were affected by those who have gone before us. This may all seem cliche to you and I know I’m not the first to write about it, however, I can’t shake the question. “What would be my legacy?”

At this moment in life I am overwhelmed with the mundane. The “daily grind” if you will. I don’t love my job, my eldest will be driving in 6 months, our finances can be a major cause of stress, friends disappoint me, my husband and children frustrate me, I want to be 15 pounds skinnier, I really want a 4 bedroom house, and the engine light on our car won’t turn off no matter what we do… That’s just the thoughts I’ve wrestled with today! When I was sitting in that church pew listening to the words spoken in the memorial service not one of those thoughts came to mind. What came to mind was, “Do people see Jesus in me? Does my family know I love them?”

As depressing as this topic may seem, I think it’s important we explore these questions. For myself, I will use these moments to help me slow down and focus on what is important. Not only loving my family and making sure they know how much I care about them but strengthening my relationship with Jesus. Along with finding ways to give back to my community I will try to refrain from allowing the rat race of life to drag me down. My heart goes out to the family of Pastor Zwicker as they discover what their “new normal” is. For anyone who has lost a parent, a spouse, a child, a friend, or a sibling; I pray these words encourage you to see a way to take death and focus it on making the world they left behind a better place.

No Greater Love

08 Tuesday Sep 2015

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This weekend feels like a final step in the grieving process of my dad’s death. It has only been two months since my dad broke his vertebrae and chose to be taken off his ventilator causing him to take his final breath in the wee hours of the morning on July 4th. At the same time it feels like six months has gone by. We’ve buried my father, we’ve journeyed home, we’ve emptied his house of his belongings and distributed to each other the things that help hold onto his memory. The journey of grieving has just begun I know.

My siblings and I spent the weekend getting my mom settled into her home as a widow and to help her celebrate what would have been their 46th wedding anniversary. We had a great time working together on projects and even playing together. Sometimes we would stop dead in our tracks to just weep or laugh at a particular memory that an item or topic triggered. My parents weaved a beautiful tapestry of a life together through their ministry, children, grandchildren, and beautiful abode. My dad’s absence has left a gaping hole I never could have imagined. I had no idea I would miss my dad this much. His smell, his laugh, his 6 foot 2 presence in a room… Now that he is gone we are now having to stitch that hole together with memories and new traditions.

One thing I have learned in this process is that grief can be beautiful. The more you love someone the harder it is to move on. However there is beauty in the precious gifts that are left behind. My dad left behind a legacy to “do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Through his example I can learn to push through things I wouldn’t normally think that I could. My dad always gave his best and pushed through the hard times and it was never his own strength, but Christ’s.  He gave us an example of discipline. Whether it was in regards to exercise, his job, or marriage; he showed us what commitment looked like. In my father’s last moments he gave us an example of sacrificial love.  My sister-in-law equated it to Christ’s sacrificial love for the church.  Christ did not want to be on the cross or stand in our place, but he went through it knowing what we would gain. My father did not want to be paralyzed from the neck down nor did he want to leave this earth. His love for us was greater than the love he had for himself. You could ask the question, which is more selfless; for my dad to stay on this earth with us and need 24 hour care, or to leave this earth and say goodbye? I think his bravery to say goodbye is right up there with Christ’s sacrificial love. That’s how well my dad knew Jesus. In those last moments he knew what to do. He knew that the pain to leave would be great but the reward would be greater.

John 15 :13 No one has greater love than this: that someone lay down his life for his friends.

Worthiness, you don’t have to earn it.

24 Tuesday Feb 2015

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As I explore this way of life; being authentic and vulnerable, I have come to realize something. I have realized that I feel shame and discomfort when I claim to people that I am a Christian. I become apologetic and not because I am ashamed of loving and following Jesus, but because of the horrible examples that a broad spectrum of Christians have put out there for the world to see. There are so many finger pointing, sin exposing hateful Christians out there that I am embarrassed to be associated with. I find it hard to share with others because I worry they will place me in that same box.

In college I was having lunch with a friend who was not only a lifeguard buddy but had been a classmate of mine for all of high school. We were discussing a very serious moral dilemma that he and his girlfriend were in. They had found out they were pregnant and were wondering if they should keep the baby. I vividly remember him saying, as we discussed all sorts of topics in the realm of morality, “You know, when you talk about Jesus you make it seem so personal and practical. There is no judgment in your voice.” I was shocked and was humbled by his compliment. It was a HUGE compliment and I remember saying back to him, “That’s because for me; it is a lifestyle and relationship, not a religion.” I remember later that day being awe struck by my response because I thought I didn’t know where I stood in my own head and heart at 19 years old. I went to church my whole life because my dad was a pastor and “that’s what you do.” Here I am 18 years later realizing that that bold girl has been hiding because I’m worried what people will think.

Right now I am leading a Life Group (that’s a term my church uses for small groups and bible studies) and we are studying, in book club form, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, Ph.D. The first four chapters, if you will, are about her research on shame and how she discovered a category of people that live wholeheartedly. These people “engage in the world from a place of worthiness.” According to Brown, “those who feel lovable, who love and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love and belonging.” We talked about it from a Christian perspective and if you think about it from the verse, Psalm 139:13-14, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” You can say that God made us for a purpose and made us beautiful no matter what. I decided to also share some verses with the group on love from the bible. Because without love we have a very difficult time being courageous, connecting and having compassion; which are 3 key elements to wholehearted living in Dr. Brown’s book. We talked about Luke 6:35, the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” Romans 12:9 says, “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good.” or another goody, Mark 12:31, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The one that stuck out to me the most was 1 Peter 4:8, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

I think of these verses and they sound awesome and beautiful, but what do I do with them when I hear that 21 men are beheaded in Lybia? How do I live that out when a friend hurts my feelings and my first response is, “I’m not going to help her out again” How does love cover a multitude of sin when the lady who backed into me didn’t have insurance and now I have to pay for the damage done to my car? It’s depressing right? THEN, I go to church Sunday and my Pastor, Brian Frey speaks on Mark 1:9-12. These three versus paint an interesting picture.

Mark 1:9-12 “At that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan. Just as Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descended on him like a dove. And a voice came from the heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.”

Pastor Brian pointed out that BEFORE Jesus healed the sick, preached amazing sermons, fed 5,000 people or suffered on a cross God said, “You are my Son, whom I love; and with you I am well pleased.” God loved him and affirmed him before he “earned” it. I get so excited because not only is it exactly what we talked about in Life Group (being worthy) but I believe it is no coincidence that we talked of this topic and Brian spoke on this topic. When God wants to teach us something he brings it to us in many angles. It also gives me a huge responsibility. God loved me before I earned it. God loves me whether I deserve it, he loves me and you because we are worthy. That in turn allows me to extend that grace to others not because they deserve it or don’t deserve it, but because I was given it first. How beautiful it is when we can say we love someone not because of how they treated us but because they are worthy; worthy of love, grace and mercy. I can hate those men who killed the 21 in Lybia, I can hate the Christians who walk around pointing their fingers at others. I can hate our President because it seems he doesn’t have our countries interest at heart, I can be really mad at my friend who hurt my feelings or my family who aren’t always considerate, but if I look at it this way; I have no right. God does not categorize sin like we do. He does not put us in a “bad to worst people on earth” section. We all suck and we all deserve to be hated and punished, but Christ knew that and took that responsibility on when he died on the cross.

To anyone reading this who is not a Christian, I am sorry. Sorry for the example that Christians have laid before you. We are human and like I said, we suck. I highly recommend you get to know Jesus by reading what he did and said and not basing your opinion solely on those of us who are learning as we go. As for my Christian friends; put the arrow down. We need to remember first of all who the enemy is and realize we are ALL worthy of God’s love. As hard as it is, we need to remember it is not our place to judge and point fingers and arrows at each other’s wrong doings. Just because I voice this does not give me magical powers that I won’t ever speak ill of or think badly of someone ever again. However, it gives me a purpose and a heart to love “because he first loved me” 1 John 4:19.

I’ll leave you with this.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. And now these three remain; faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, & 13

If you are looking for a church or want to learn about Jesus in way that gives you the history and meaning behind who Jesus was and is I highly recommend coming to hear Pastor Brian Frey speak Sunday mornings at 9 at Mission Church of the Nazarene 4750 Mission Gorge Place, San Diego, CA 92120