As I explore this way of life; being authentic and vulnerable, I have come to realize something. I have realized that I feel shame and discomfort when I claim to people that I am a Christian. I become apologetic and not because I am ashamed of loving and following Jesus, but because of the horrible examples that a broad spectrum of Christians have put out there for the world to see. There are so many finger pointing, sin exposing hateful Christians out there that I am embarrassed to be associated with. I find it hard to share with others because I worry they will place me in that same box.

In college I was having lunch with a friend who was not only a lifeguard buddy but had been a classmate of mine for all of high school. We were discussing a very serious moral dilemma that he and his girlfriend were in. They had found out they were pregnant and were wondering if they should keep the baby. I vividly remember him saying, as we discussed all sorts of topics in the realm of morality, “You know, when you talk about Jesus you make it seem so personal and practical. There is no judgment in your voice.” I was shocked and was humbled by his compliment. It was a HUGE compliment and I remember saying back to him, “That’s because for me; it is a lifestyle and relationship, not a religion.” I remember later that day being awe struck by my response because I thought I didn’t know where I stood in my own head and heart at 19 years old. I went to church my whole life because my dad was a pastor and “that’s what you do.” Here I am 18 years later realizing that that bold girl has been hiding because I’m worried what people will think.

Right now I am leading a Life Group (that’s a term my church uses for small groups and bible studies) and we are studying, in book club form, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, Ph.D. The first four chapters, if you will, are about her research on shame and how she discovered a category of people that live wholeheartedly. These people “engage in the world from a place of worthiness.” According to Brown, “those who feel lovable, who love and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love and belonging.” We talked about it from a Christian perspective and if you think about it from the verse, Psalm 139:13-14, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” You can say that God made us for a purpose and made us beautiful no matter what. I decided to also share some verses with the group on love from the bible. Because without love we have a very difficult time being courageous, connecting and having compassion; which are 3 key elements to wholehearted living in Dr. Brown’s book. We talked about Luke 6:35, the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” Romans 12:9 says, “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good.” or another goody, Mark 12:31, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The one that stuck out to me the most was 1 Peter 4:8, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

I think of these verses and they sound awesome and beautiful, but what do I do with them when I hear that 21 men are beheaded in Lybia? How do I live that out when a friend hurts my feelings and my first response is, “I’m not going to help her out again” How does love cover a multitude of sin when the lady who backed into me didn’t have insurance and now I have to pay for the damage done to my car? It’s depressing right? THEN, I go to church Sunday and my Pastor, Brian Frey speaks on Mark 1:9-12. These three versus paint an interesting picture.

Mark 1:9-12 “At that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan. Just as Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descended on him like a dove. And a voice came from the heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.”

Pastor Brian pointed out that BEFORE Jesus healed the sick, preached amazing sermons, fed 5,000 people or suffered on a cross God said, “You are my Son, whom I love; and with you I am well pleased.” God loved him and affirmed him before he “earned” it. I get so excited because not only is it exactly what we talked about in Life Group (being worthy) but I believe it is no coincidence that we talked of this topic and Brian spoke on this topic. When God wants to teach us something he brings it to us in many angles. It also gives me a huge responsibility. God loved me before I earned it. God loves me whether I deserve it, he loves me and you because we are worthy. That in turn allows me to extend that grace to others not because they deserve it or don’t deserve it, but because I was given it first. How beautiful it is when we can say we love someone not because of how they treated us but because they are worthy; worthy of love, grace and mercy. I can hate those men who killed the 21 in Lybia, I can hate the Christians who walk around pointing their fingers at others. I can hate our President because it seems he doesn’t have our countries interest at heart, I can be really mad at my friend who hurt my feelings or my family who aren’t always considerate, but if I look at it this way; I have no right. God does not categorize sin like we do. He does not put us in a “bad to worst people on earth” section. We all suck and we all deserve to be hated and punished, but Christ knew that and took that responsibility on when he died on the cross.

To anyone reading this who is not a Christian, I am sorry. Sorry for the example that Christians have laid before you. We are human and like I said, we suck. I highly recommend you get to know Jesus by reading what he did and said and not basing your opinion solely on those of us who are learning as we go. As for my Christian friends; put the arrow down. We need to remember first of all who the enemy is and realize we are ALL worthy of God’s love. As hard as it is, we need to remember it is not our place to judge and point fingers and arrows at each other’s wrong doings. Just because I voice this does not give me magical powers that I won’t ever speak ill of or think badly of someone ever again. However, it gives me a purpose and a heart to love “because he first loved me” 1 John 4:19.

I’ll leave you with this.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. And now these three remain; faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, & 13

If you are looking for a church or want to learn about Jesus in way that gives you the history and meaning behind who Jesus was and is I highly recommend coming to hear Pastor Brian Frey speak Sunday mornings at 9 at Mission Church of the Nazarene 4750 Mission Gorge Place, San Diego, CA 92120