Tag Archives: love

Like Mother Like Daughter

02 Wednesday Dec 2015

Posted by in Authentic Living

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

Tonight my 14 year old daughter and I got into it for the umpteenth time this month. She is slacking in her school work and I’m beside myself frustrated with the level of effort she puts into it, or lack thereof. If only she put as much effort into her school work as she does her socializing I found myself thinking. Then I heard my mother’s voice echo in my ears. Did I really just say what I know my mom said more than a dozen times? How is it that we can be so utterly shocked when our kids push back, lie, be lazy, disrespect us, find ways to get around the rules, when less then 2 decades ago we were doing the same exact thing???

Earlier this evening that same daughter was confiding in me that her friend, who is 4 years older than her is most likely pregnant. She told me before beginning, to relax, “she’s a good person and I’m not being influenced by her,” she assured me. This young lady was heading into the military come graduation and now pregnancy may derail those dreams. While cooking dinner, I listened to my daughter share with me her friend’s fears and worries. She relayed to me how she told this girl, “Now see, I told you that guy was nothing but trouble. Mom, this is exactly why I will not have sex before marriage. I am not going to live my life as The Secret Life of an American Teenager.” “Plus,” she says, “I told her she could come talk to you because you would be concerned for her and feel sorry for her situation.” At the time I laughed and chided her a bit for being harsh with her friend. She assured me she was kind in her approach. She told this young lady that she could come over and that I would help her figure out what to do. THEN she said, “And I told my friend, she HAD to tell her parents the truth immediately!” Yeah, 2 hours later I find my daughter “forgot” to tell me about a Spanish test tomorrow. What was that about having to be truthful with your parents, daughter of mine??

Here’s where I am at in this moment. I am in awe at the mother daughter relationship. How it can be all hugs and cuddles to practically a cat fight the next. How my daughter wants to emulate me in every way, but can’t stand any critique or advice I may give. How my daughter can hug me one minute and have nothing to do with me the next. How she can find the ability to confide in me with the heavy things life throws at her, but afraid to ask my permission might I say no. I know its hormones and the struggles of growing up, but I also know it’s a reflection of how I treat her. In those cat fight moments I find myself speaking down to her and mad at her lack of work ethic or drive. Yet, I am in awe at her ability to stick up for herself, to live life with such zest and tenacity and to love so fiercely. In the aftermath of our tiff over homework and upon hearing my mothers’ voice echo in my ears, I realize now, more than ever how much she is watching. I think even more so than when she was 3 and wanted to try on my high heels.

She is watching how I respond after I argue with her or her father and how we make up. She is watching what I post on social media and if I call in “sick” to work or not.  She is watching how I treat our crazy neighbors or if I pick up our dog poop when no one is watching. I forget how much she is watching and learning and trying to find out what works for her and what doesn’t. I am glad she doesn’t want have sex before she is married, but will she be able to resist when the man of her dreams is whispering how much he loves her and cherishes her? Will she tell the truth even when no one will know the difference? Will she study hard for that test not because her mother is screaming at her to, but because she wants to succeed? I don’t know. All I know is, every day I want to give up. I literally want to throw my hands up and say, “You win and I’m out!” Then I see that girl turning into a women and I look in the mirror of that girl who turned into a woman. I survived the trials and I learned from my mistakes and eventually began to listen to my mother. I persevered because my own mother never gave up. So, I too won’t give up. I will start again tomorrow with a hug and a kiss and some cuddles; if, she lets me.

No Greater Love

08 Tuesday Sep 2015

Posted by in Authentic Living

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

This weekend feels like a final step in the grieving process of my dad’s death. It has only been two months since my dad broke his vertebrae and chose to be taken off his ventilator causing him to take his final breath in the wee hours of the morning on July 4th. At the same time it feels like six months has gone by. We’ve buried my father, we’ve journeyed home, we’ve emptied his house of his belongings and distributed to each other the things that help hold onto his memory. The journey of grieving has just begun I know.

My siblings and I spent the weekend getting my mom settled into her home as a widow and to help her celebrate what would have been their 46th wedding anniversary. We had a great time working together on projects and even playing together. Sometimes we would stop dead in our tracks to just weep or laugh at a particular memory that an item or topic triggered. My parents weaved a beautiful tapestry of a life together through their ministry, children, grandchildren, and beautiful abode. My dad’s absence has left a gaping hole I never could have imagined. I had no idea I would miss my dad this much. His smell, his laugh, his 6 foot 2 presence in a room… Now that he is gone we are now having to stitch that hole together with memories and new traditions.

One thing I have learned in this process is that grief can be beautiful. The more you love someone the harder it is to move on. However there is beauty in the precious gifts that are left behind. My dad left behind a legacy to “do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Through his example I can learn to push through things I wouldn’t normally think that I could. My dad always gave his best and pushed through the hard times and it was never his own strength, but Christ’s.  He gave us an example of discipline. Whether it was in regards to exercise, his job, or marriage; he showed us what commitment looked like. In my father’s last moments he gave us an example of sacrificial love.  My sister-in-law equated it to Christ’s sacrificial love for the church.  Christ did not want to be on the cross or stand in our place, but he went through it knowing what we would gain. My father did not want to be paralyzed from the neck down nor did he want to leave this earth. His love for us was greater than the love he had for himself. You could ask the question, which is more selfless; for my dad to stay on this earth with us and need 24 hour care, or to leave this earth and say goodbye? I think his bravery to say goodbye is right up there with Christ’s sacrificial love. That’s how well my dad knew Jesus. In those last moments he knew what to do. He knew that the pain to leave would be great but the reward would be greater.

John 15 :13 No one has greater love than this: that someone lay down his life for his friends.

Love Keeps No Record Of Wrongs

13 Saturday Jun 2015

Posted by in Authentic Living

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

, , , , , , ,

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

At our wedding our friend, and youth pastor at the time, Darren Bartholomew officiated our vows. He is a fun guy with a dry sense of humor.  During the ceremony he began to share with us from 1 Corinthians 13. The phrase that reads, “love keeps no record of wrongs,” he said then repeated it, then repeated it a 3rd time. This time slowing down with an emphasis on each word which caused a chuckle throughout the room. It was cute and funny and we all could tell he was trying to get a point across to this very young couple in front of him embarking on one of life’s biggest challenges, marriage. Today we celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary. I am still in awe that I could love someone more today than I did the day I said “I do.”

However, it has not been an easy path. It never is. Darren’s voice as he repeated the phrase “Love keeps no record of wrongs” has echoed in my ears many times over the years. So many times I have wanted to make a list of the ways my husband has screwed up or annoyed me. Some of them have been extremely minute and silly. Some have seemed huge and some were monetarily costly mistakes. The moment I begin to “stamp collect” those wrongs is when resentment starts to build in my heart. Soon everything becomes annoying; the things he says, the way he parents, how he leaves his socks on the floor at night or seems to never put his dirty shirts IN the hamper. I suddenly find myself becoming blind to all the good that he does. I don’t see that he cooks for me when I’m exhausted or encourages my passions in life and my girls’ nights out. That he fixes my computer EVERY single time I ask him without complaint or listens to me unload the happenings of my day after his own long day in the office. When I stop keeping record of how he frustrates me and look at how he loves me in his own special way it makes my heart soften towards him. I can have empathy and extend grace when he gets a $200 traffic ticket or takes both car keys on accident and leaves me stranded at home. We all make mistakes in our marriage and relationships and we have no right to hold the other person to a higher standard than we require ourselves. I am so glad that in those moments I hear Darren’s comical way of reminding me that “Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, it keeps no record of wrongs, LOVE KEEPS. NO RECORD. OF WRONGS. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. Love never fails.” What would our marriages, parent-child relationships or friendships look like if we all could remember that love Facebook-20150613-104503Facebook-20150613-104450keeps no record of wrongs?

Worthiness, you don’t have to earn it.

24 Tuesday Feb 2015

Posted by in Authentic Living

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

As I explore this way of life; being authentic and vulnerable, I have come to realize something. I have realized that I feel shame and discomfort when I claim to people that I am a Christian. I become apologetic and not because I am ashamed of loving and following Jesus, but because of the horrible examples that a broad spectrum of Christians have put out there for the world to see. There are so many finger pointing, sin exposing hateful Christians out there that I am embarrassed to be associated with. I find it hard to share with others because I worry they will place me in that same box.

In college I was having lunch with a friend who was not only a lifeguard buddy but had been a classmate of mine for all of high school. We were discussing a very serious moral dilemma that he and his girlfriend were in. They had found out they were pregnant and were wondering if they should keep the baby. I vividly remember him saying, as we discussed all sorts of topics in the realm of morality, “You know, when you talk about Jesus you make it seem so personal and practical. There is no judgment in your voice.” I was shocked and was humbled by his compliment. It was a HUGE compliment and I remember saying back to him, “That’s because for me; it is a lifestyle and relationship, not a religion.” I remember later that day being awe struck by my response because I thought I didn’t know where I stood in my own head and heart at 19 years old. I went to church my whole life because my dad was a pastor and “that’s what you do.” Here I am 18 years later realizing that that bold girl has been hiding because I’m worried what people will think.

Right now I am leading a Life Group (that’s a term my church uses for small groups and bible studies) and we are studying, in book club form, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown, Ph.D. The first four chapters, if you will, are about her research on shame and how she discovered a category of people that live wholeheartedly. These people “engage in the world from a place of worthiness.” According to Brown, “those who feel lovable, who love and who experience belonging simply believe they are worthy of love and belonging.” We talked about it from a Christian perspective and if you think about it from the verse, Psalm 139:13-14, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” You can say that God made us for a purpose and made us beautiful no matter what. I decided to also share some verses with the group on love from the bible. Because without love we have a very difficult time being courageous, connecting and having compassion; which are 3 key elements to wholehearted living in Dr. Brown’s book. We talked about Luke 6:35, the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do to you.” Romans 12:9 says, “Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good.” or another goody, Mark 12:31, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The one that stuck out to me the most was 1 Peter 4:8, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

I think of these verses and they sound awesome and beautiful, but what do I do with them when I hear that 21 men are beheaded in Lybia? How do I live that out when a friend hurts my feelings and my first response is, “I’m not going to help her out again” How does love cover a multitude of sin when the lady who backed into me didn’t have insurance and now I have to pay for the damage done to my car? It’s depressing right? THEN, I go to church Sunday and my Pastor, Brian Frey speaks on Mark 1:9-12. These three versus paint an interesting picture.

Mark 1:9-12 “At that time Jesus came from Nazareth in Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan. Just as Jesus was coming up out of the water, he saw heaven being torn open and the Spirit descended on him like a dove. And a voice came from the heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.”

Pastor Brian pointed out that BEFORE Jesus healed the sick, preached amazing sermons, fed 5,000 people or suffered on a cross God said, “You are my Son, whom I love; and with you I am well pleased.” God loved him and affirmed him before he “earned” it. I get so excited because not only is it exactly what we talked about in Life Group (being worthy) but I believe it is no coincidence that we talked of this topic and Brian spoke on this topic. When God wants to teach us something he brings it to us in many angles. It also gives me a huge responsibility. God loved me before I earned it. God loves me whether I deserve it, he loves me and you because we are worthy. That in turn allows me to extend that grace to others not because they deserve it or don’t deserve it, but because I was given it first. How beautiful it is when we can say we love someone not because of how they treated us but because they are worthy; worthy of love, grace and mercy. I can hate those men who killed the 21 in Lybia, I can hate the Christians who walk around pointing their fingers at others. I can hate our President because it seems he doesn’t have our countries interest at heart, I can be really mad at my friend who hurt my feelings or my family who aren’t always considerate, but if I look at it this way; I have no right. God does not categorize sin like we do. He does not put us in a “bad to worst people on earth” section. We all suck and we all deserve to be hated and punished, but Christ knew that and took that responsibility on when he died on the cross.

To anyone reading this who is not a Christian, I am sorry. Sorry for the example that Christians have laid before you. We are human and like I said, we suck. I highly recommend you get to know Jesus by reading what he did and said and not basing your opinion solely on those of us who are learning as we go. As for my Christian friends; put the arrow down. We need to remember first of all who the enemy is and realize we are ALL worthy of God’s love. As hard as it is, we need to remember it is not our place to judge and point fingers and arrows at each other’s wrong doings. Just because I voice this does not give me magical powers that I won’t ever speak ill of or think badly of someone ever again. However, it gives me a purpose and a heart to love “because he first loved me” 1 John 4:19.

I’ll leave you with this.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. And now these three remain; faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, & 13

If you are looking for a church or want to learn about Jesus in way that gives you the history and meaning behind who Jesus was and is I highly recommend coming to hear Pastor Brian Frey speak Sunday mornings at 9 at Mission Church of the Nazarene 4750 Mission Gorge Place, San Diego, CA 92120