Why is change so hard? So scary?

I have been digging into this question with my therapist and the answers aren’t’ really there yet. It could be that as a kid, I moved around A LOT. Before I graduated high school my family moved to 7 different states and in one five-year period, we lived in 5 different houses. I’ve wondered how my mother stayed sane packing up a household with 4 kids is beyond me. As an adult, that level of instability has made me dislike change but when I was a kid I saw the adventure in it. I remember with each new location what adventure could be had. 

For example, one of the first moves that I can recall as a 5-year-old was our move from Bend, Oregon to Delta, Colorado. The house we rented was situated behind a beautiful apple orchard a block from my grandmother’s house where we could have Sunday Supper (That’s lunch if you’re not a southerner) and experience her incredible biscuits and gravy or ride in our grandpa’s tractor to our heart’s content. Eight months later we moved to Cheyenne, Wyoming where in five years we relocated houses five different times.

That year I started kindergarten. I remember I had the most amazing kindergarten teacher and I also remember that we moved into a house with a walk-in bird cage to which my dad brought home a duck for us to care for. I don’t remember what happened to that duck but I do remember that cleaning up bird poop was not fun.

The following spring we moved a few miles across town to a neighborhood that backed up to the Air Force Base. We had a fabulous backyard with a view of the runway. My little brother and I learned if we stood on top of the trash bins we could see jets take off almost every day and antelope run in the hills.

A year later we moved a mile down the road into a two-story duplex that we occupied entirely. It had two kitchens, an upstairs and downstairs! Oh, the fun we had making cookies in the downstairs kitchen while my mom cooked dinner upstairs. We moved yet again as I entered third grade. This house we stayed at to help out a friend while they were deployed. It had an oil pit in the garage that my dad really liked. Plus we were across the street from my elementary school so my walk was just a hop, skip, and a jump away.

The final home we lived in during the five years in Cheyenne was a three-story single-family home with throw-up-green shag carpet

The final home we lived in during the five years in Cheyenne was a three-story house single-family home with throw-up-green shag carpet but a backyard that was epic for making snow forts. That year we ALL had our own room and I got my own pink phone and Barbie mansion. I think both were hand-me-downs but I had no clue and loved them both so much!

Just before the end of my 5th-grade year, we moved to what was one of my favorite locations of my childhood, Lake Havasu City, AZ. We lived there in my formative tween years which had us a few miles to the beach and a view of the water from our kitchen window. I could wear a bathing suit and shorts all day long because with temperatures of 100+ you were either at the beach or in a pool. I went barefoot to Sunday night church sometimes just to see if anyone would notice and they didn’t.

I had my own room with a door that led to our courtyard. I felt like a princess in that room. My friends during those years were some of the best people and it was the first time in my young life that nothing changed; not my friends, my church, my home, or my school. I look back now and it was the first time there was stability that I could recall. 

it was the first time there was stability that I could recall. 

With a month left of my 8th grade year my parents broke the news to my little brother and I that we were moving from Lake Havasu City, AZ to Indio, CA. Just days before this news my Junior High Choral teacher asked me and to be a part of a high school quartet that would sing the National Anthem at all the athletic events. My sister who was graduating high school had had this privilege all 4 years of her high school career so I was ecstatic to follow in her footsteps and to sing with my 4 best friends was the icing on the cake!

My parents assured us that we could finish out the school year in Lake Havasu and have the summer to acclimate in our new city. My brother who is two years my junior would be entering 6th grade that upcoming school year, which in California was the first year of middle school. The thought of me starting high school in a new state sounded devestating.

I grieved that move for weeks. I cried in choir class with my singing buddies who huddled together trying to think of the good side to this. I cried in the church youth group thinking that no other church could be as fun and inclusive as this one was. I cried when my boyfriend gave me a real gold cross chain and thought that was really the end. I cried at home and refused to pack the kitchen utensils and genuinely pouted for days thinking my little 14-year-old world was over. 

Two weeks after school let out we moved to Indio, CA where my dad would take on his second pastorship. We moved without my older siblings since they were both in college. As we entered the city limits in the Uhaul truck, I noticed that Indio was dry and barren with not even a Walmart yet. It was not much different from the little town we had come from in the sense of size and amenities but even worse, it was without a lake. Any beach was hours away in either LA or San Diego and no one we knew yet had a pool even though the temps in Indio were almost the same as in Arizona. I moaned to myself, “How could my parents bring us here?

Eight weeks after moving to Indio my mom signed me up for a tennis camp called “Pam’s Tennis On Wheels” in order for me to get to know some kids in the neighborhood. I met a few people one being a tall 9th grader by the name of Jon. I spoke to him a few times but my attention was occupied by the fact that, at the moment, I was in “love” with a boy that attended the church my dad was now pastoring.

I began my freshman year at a private school. It was a tough year being the new kid at such a small school. Thankfully, I made amazing friends that year but with the news of a news high school opening we decided that was where I would go next. It would begin as a small school beginning with 9th and 10th grader only and each year adding a new freshman class. A few of my friends from the private school would attend with me and we all were excited about the change. 

On the first day of school as I entered the brand new courtyard, I recognized a tall sophomore with curly hair and a cross earring. I remembered meeting him at the tennis camp I had attended over a year ago but couldn’t remember his name. I went right up to him and said, “Do I know you?” It took us a minute but we pieced together where we had previously met. Over the course of that year we would become best friends. Three years later we would graduate from that high school along with our classmates as the first graduating class and five years later we would marry. 

As of today we have had a stable life here in San Diego, only moving four times in 20-plus years. First to our new apartment as a married couple. Then after Jon graduated college, we relocated to a downtown apartment with my sister then from there we moved to an apartment east of downtown as we went from just the two of us to five of us. Our final move to date was when we purchased a three-bedroom condo that we have called home for over fifteen years!

I truly believe that if God had not allowed my parents to change jobs and move us from the little beach town of Lake Havase to Indio, CA I never would have met my husband. What felt like the end of the world became the beginning of my current reality. In those early years of marriage and starting a family Jon would help open a hospitality business that he continues to work for all while supporting me in my entrepreneurial endeavors. As of June, 2022 we have celebrated 23 years of marriage and I can say without a doubt he is my very best friend. Yet, when change comes I pout, I panic, I moan, and I complain that I can’t see what around the corner. Why do I still do that?

Yet, when change comes I pout, I panic, I moan and complain that I can’t see what’s around the corner. Why, why do I do that?

Recently, I have been reading the book of Exodus about Moses and the Israelites enslaved by Egypt for a class on the Pentateuch (That means the first 5 books of the bible if you don’t know Latin) and those poor Israelites get such a bad rap. First, they are released from 400-year bondage in Egypt and escape with their lives while being led by a “pillar of cloud” by day and a “pillar of fire” by night, which the book tells us was the Spirit of God in that pillar leading them. Days after leaving Egypt, the Egyptian army begins pursuing the Israelites and soon they are trapped between the army and the Red Sea. Moses raises his rod and the miracle of the Red Sea parting is before their eyes. They are able to safely cross then look back and see the sea crashing around the army and killing the enemy.

Can you believe one of the first things out of the now free Israelite’s mouths after that miracle is “Oh, how we wish that the Lord had just put us to death while we were still in the Land of Egypt.”(Exodus 16:3) Oh wait, they did remember to worship and praise God for the miracle they witnessed but just three days later they soon began to complain. I read that and I am like, “Sheesh, ya’ll, get a clue!” But then I ponder their reaction and realize that in the same breath I have seen God do amazing things in my life and provide in ways I never asked for but doubt that he has my best interest in mind.

When things don’t go how I want them to or how I see fit I whine, complain, and say,” God, where are you? What am I supposed to do? How could you let this happen?” 

90 days after the Israelites get a bit settled, God “sits them down” if you will, and gives them their road map on how to live among each other and survive the desolate landscape they are in. (Exodus 20) God shares with them the covenant that had been in the works for a very long time and the laws that would set them apart but also bring humanity and dignity to their tribes since the world around them was so barbaric. This was also after God had led them away from the Philistines because God knew they would run right back to Egypt if they had to immediately fight for the land promised to them. (Exodus 13:17)

I won’t go into the nitty gritty details but if you want to go read the story of the Israelites I encourage you to start reading Exodus chapter two. I can honestly say, I think I give the Israelites a lot of grief for being so quick to complain after experiencing miracles when I know I am guilty of the very same thing. 

Here’s the good news…

When it comes to worry in the Bible, scholars say that “Fear Not” is mentioned 365 times and Jesus himself tells us not to worry and reminds us of God’s provision in his New Testament teachings. Jesus says “Do not Worry” five times alone in Matthew 6:25-24. Isn’t it good to know that God knew it would be something we struggled with? It’s in our human nature to not trust what we cannot see. It is in our nature to think about the worst-case scenario instead of focusing on the blessings that occurred.

I know I forget to count the times I have seen plans go better than I could have ever foreseen. I hope that when you feel overwhelmed with the unknown like I do, or like the Israelites did, you will remember that there are enough uplifting scriptures alone to acknowledge your worry and that no matter what comes around the corner you can trust that God will provide a path for you. And like the Psalmist said, “Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” (Psalm 91:6)